Time Travel (Plot) Holes: Both Sides of Time Review

Both Sides of Time
by Caroline B. Cooney

Genre: Young Adult, Romance, Fantasy, Time Travel
Pages:  224 pages

Summary: Imagine changing centuries–and making things worse, not better, on both sides of time.

Imagine being involved in two love triangles in two different centuries. What if, no matter which direction you travel in time, you must abandon someone you love?

Meet 15-year-old Annie Lockwood, a romantic living in the wrong century. When she travels back a hundred years and lands in 1895–a time when privileged young ladies wear magnificent gowns, attend elegant parties, and are courted by handsome gentlemen–Annie at last finds romance. But she is a trespasser in time. Will she choose to stay in the past? Will she be allowed to?

BARON REVIEW: I actually started reading the second book in this series when I was in middle school. I had to pick a book from random out of my school library to do a book report on; and the second book in this series is the one that I picked. That being said, I never read the first book when I was kid. I’m not sure I would have kept reading if I had started with the first. Both Sides of Time- while is a rather interesting murder mystery, its mostly drowning in a out-of-the-blue romance between a time traveler named Annie and the victorian gentleman, Strat.

First off, Annie’s weird time traveling powers are never explained. The time riffs just happened. Because of this lack of explanation much of the story can be rather confusing. This includes the end where Annie starts describing how she’s falling further back in time rather than going forward to her own time. Which, by the way, this weird ending is never explained in the sequel. So we have no idea how Annie got home. I’m guessing that Sequel Annie is an alien clone and that the Annie from the first book has been fighting off dinosaurs this whole time.

Eventually becoming the third party member in Chrono’s party.

The romance between Strat and Annie isn’t all that… romantic. Often time I just felt they were strangely naive and horny teenagers. Strat’s character made more sense than Annie’s did. If she were a satire then she was portrayed perfectly. If not, then I seriously worry about the youth of the 90s. Because man, was she dense.

Really my biggest beef with this novel isn’t with the characters, it’s with the way it’s told. Cooney decides to write scenes from the strangest points of view- this is especially apparent in the novel’s sequel. That and she chooses not to explain why or how Annie travels through time. That leaves a glaring plot hole right in the center of the novel that’s rather hard to bypass. I was willing to suspend my disbelief at times but not for the whole novel.

Quality: ★★★ 3 out of 5
Enjoyment: ★★★ 3 out of 5
Rereadable: Iunno. Maybe if I’m bored.
Purchase: Get it from the library. If you end up liking it, then you can purchase it.
Overall: ☻ Meh book

The Castle TV Show Prop: Heat Wave Review

Heat Wave
by Richard Castle

Genre: Murder Mystery, Romance, Adult
Pages:  198 pages

Summary: A New York real estate tycoon plunges to his death on a Manhattan sidewalk. A trophy wife with a past survives a narrow escape from a brazen attack. Mobsters and moguls with no shortage of reasons to kill trot out their alibis. And then, in the suffocating grip of a record heat wave, comes another shocking murder and a sharp turn in a tense journey into the dirty little secrets of the wealthy. Secrets that prove to be fatal. Secrets that lay hidden in the dark until one NYPD detective shines a light.

BARON REVIEW: Now this book is interesting because it’s basically a prop in the awesome TV show Castle where a writer shadows a homicide detective around for inspiration. Rick Castle is funny, witty and a refreshingly positive comic relief amidst all the gruesome murder mysteries that the show covers. Now while this novel is a cute accompaniment to the television series, it’s not really much more than that. As a stand alone murder mystery, it’s kind of bland. Certainly not the master piece it’s claimed to be on the show.

The characters sometimes seem forced. And a little bit too much like the characters in the show. I mean I know Richard Castle is following Kate Beckett to write this novel- but for it to mirror the show so exactly is on some ways kind of cheap. Actually… it’s pretty cheap. It reads like Castle’s wannabe diary. Nikki Heat is horny… a lot. She’s horny like a guy. I mean it’s fine for a girl to show some sexual independence. But Nikki was horny right after watching a Pixar movie. I mean… come on. Hold it in your pants for awhile. Geez.

I realize she was using sex as a way to forget about her mother’s death. Which I guess is a little interesting. A little insight into her character. But at the same time, it just made her seem really shallow. I swear she was one step away from getting turned on at a crime scene. Oh… I take it back. She does get turned on at a crime scene. Right in the first chapter. Only you don’t realize it’s going to keep happening for the rest of the book too.

I suppose with a name like Nikki Heat it’s to be expected.

It’s alright for her to have these negative traits if you make up for it with her good ones. It’s what makes dark heros and anti-heros readable. Which the author kind of does. For a chapter or two. But because the sex thing comes up so often throughout the book, her good traits keep getting washed away.

It even gets to a point where Nikki is almost raped by a terrifying thug. And then the next chapter, Nikki has sex with Rook. If you’re paying attention, you’ll noticed that only a day has gone by. I mean… waaaaah? Really Nikki? We were almost raped not 24 hours ago. And now you’re going to have sex with Rook?

And her name. Ugh. It’s distracting. Granted that not the “real” author’s fault. It was part of the television show. He had to work with it. Same with the sex scene, there had to be a sex scene in the book somewhere between Nikki and Rook (the hot-shot journalist) that’s all part of the television series. But there were probably better ways to go about it.

Now this novel is well written. Despite how short it is, it reads very well. Beautiful descriptions. Nikki Heat is a nicely balanced character. The only problem is that the other characters are pretty much card board cut outs- stuck in the book to support Nikki. The villains were okay. They were believable at the very least. And the murder mystery was decent enough, even though a lot of info was withheld.

A better way to handle this book is if the whole book had been written from Rook’s perspective. Then Nikki could have seemed even more sexy and mysterious and we wouldn’t have had to endure all the awkward information withholdings halfway in. Unfortunately for the rape scene to work, the book had to be placed in Nikki’s perspective at some point. I agree. But still… there might have been a better way to handle this book.

Quality: ★★★ 3 out of 5
Enjoyment: ★★★★ 4 out of 5
Rereadable: I believe so. If I get around to it.
Purchase: Probably a better e-book purchase.
Overall: ☺ Good book

Charlie Brown with Dragons: How to Train Your Dragon Series Review

How to Train Your Dragon
by Cressida Cowell

Genre: Children, Independent Reader, Adventure, Fantasy
Pages:  — pages

Summary: Chronicles the adventures and misadventures of Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III as he tries to pass the important initiation test of his Viking clan, the Tribe of the Hairy Hooligans, by catching and training a dragon.

BARON REVIEW: Because of the length and reading level of this series of books, I felt it was more appropriate to judge them as a whole rather than by each individual book. I realized that my opinions from book to book were purely of personal nature and had nothing to do with the writing quality or anything lacking on the part of the story. So it’s better to view this series on a more superficial and grader scale rather than nick pick each little book when it comes out.

I found this series to be amusing and fantastically creative. I adore the Viking’s antics. And Hiccup of course is a lovable character. It’s strange coming into the book series after having seen the movie- imagining Hiccup several years younger and Toothless several grades smaller. But the books are still quite enjoyable. As independent readers, they’re well done. Great illustrations, easy to read, and easy to love.

My only real beef with the series is the introduction. You start off each little book with an old Hiccup telling you that he’s remembering this story from when he was a boy. While this does give you some fun epilogues where you see where beloved characters ended up (Hiccup’s mother, for example), the problem with this sort of story telling is that it takes away the immediacy of what happens in the story. You know that Hiccup survives it all. He has to- in order to become that old man at the beginning. That and it’s sad to hear old Hiccup talking about his younger self as if he were a complete stranger. Maybe that’s just me, but I’d hate to find myself so out of touch with my childhood. I still remember being me and how I felt as a kid, granted I’m not that old yet. But still having Hiccup say that about himself seems oddly depressing to me. And a strange reflection to be included in a children’s book that children would certainly gloss right over.

Hiccup does however leave out one crucial fact that has kept me reading each new book that comes out. What happened to all the dragons? Because it is implied that all the dragons are now gone and Hiccup had something to do with their extinction. Yet another dark element in play in an otherwise whimsical children’s story.

Still, the series is fantastic. I recommend it to every true How to Train Your Dragon fan. So long as they aren’t so picky in their reading that they would turn up their nose at a children’s book.

Quality: ★★★★★ 5 out of 5
Enjoyment: ★★★★★ 5 out of 5
Rereadable: I’ve reread them a couple of times.
Purchase: If you’re an older reader I’d say buy them as e-books. They are fast and easy readings. And I think there are some ebook deals that give you the whole series as one ebook. I personally wanted to collect the hard copies. But that’s just a personal preference of mine.
Overall: ❤ Awesomesauce book

From One Teen Fad Phenomeon To Another: Hunger Games Review

The Hunger Games
by Suzanne Collins

Genre: Young Adult, Dystopian, Romance, Adventure
Pages:  374 pages

Summary: Could you survive on your own, in the wild, with everyone out to make sure you don’t live to see the morning? In the ruins of a place once known as North America lies the nation of Panem, a shining Capitol surrounded by twelve outlying districts. The Capitol is harsh and cruel and keeps the districts in line by forcing them all to send one boy and one girl between the ages of twelve and eighteen to participate in the annual Hunger Games, a fight to the death on live TV. Sixteen-year-old Katniss Everdeen, who lives alone with her mother and younger sister, regards it as a death sentence when she steps forward to take her sister’s place in the Games. But Katniss has been close to dead before—and survival, for her, is second nature. Without really meaning to, she becomes a contender. But if she is to win, she will have to start making choices that will weigh survival against humanity and life against love.

BARON REVIEW: I have mixed feelings about this saga. While certainly a blatant rip off of the Japanese film Battle Royale (despite whatever the author and her rabid fan-base may say to the contrary), I didn’t have this information going in. I read this first book with a open mind; with very few expectations other than it made my friends cry and was without a doubt better than the Twilight craze that proceeded it.

And I’ll be honest, I liked the Hunger Games. Despite a few misgivings on the first person narration chosen and the simplistic language, I didn’t really have a problem with this book. Maybe my opinion would change if I reread it but I feel that my first impression wasn’t jaded and that my current impression would most certainly be so. I refuse to apologize for my initial impression. I felt that it was a very solid young adult novel.

I found this first book extremely engaging. I was invested in Katniss’ predicament, mesmerized by the bleak dystopian setting, and horrifyingly fascinated with the concept of an annual survive-esque game show with kids being picked off one by one. My favorite parts had to be the build up to the actual games. I was fascinated with the talk shows, the beauty rituals, and the way the Capitol realistically justified this child murder on annual basis. It wasn’t real to them. And in that way, they were able to derive a kind of sick enjoyment from it all. These things weren’t explicitly stated but were instead subtle nuances that you could pick up on if you were paying attention. They were also things completely absent in the sequels but I digress.

I believe this is one of the very few young adult novels that I ever thought handled a teenage love relationship realistically. It’s an awkward uncertain thing that isn’t resolved in a few pages; further complicated by the life or death scenario that they are thrust into. Katniss doesn’t know that she cares for Peeta and in fact, fakes most of her relationship with him for the cameras. She believes that Peeta is doing the same; convinced that he is just as cunning and manipulative as she is herself. I found this extremely realistic. Have any of you ever noticed that  often when someone cheats on their spouse, they will suddenly become super paranoid that their spouse is cheating on them? It’s usually a red flag, if your spouse starts accusing you, that they themselves might have had an affair. It’s how the human mind works really. Once cheating has become part of your reality, you are aware that others can cheat on you as well. In this case, in Katniss’ world, she uses manipulation and her own wits to survive on a daily basis and assumes that Peeta lives the same way. While the reality is that Peeta is charismatic but brutally honest young man; essentially Katniss’ polar opposite. This romantic dynamic is really quite brilliant. And only wish that Collins had kept it up instead of falling back on a dull love triangle side plot in a vain attempt to one up Stephenie Meyer.

I can write pointless love triangles better than you can.

In conclusion, I believe that as a young adult novel; this book handles itself well. Do I find Collin to be a more confident storyteller than J.K. Rowling or Philip Pullman? Not by a long shot. But in comparison to vast mountain of shitty young adult novels published on a daily basis, I felt this novel was the lesser evil. And though I usually put lofty standards on books that I read, in the case of children and young adult novels I try to reign myself back.

Not everything can be Game of Thrones after all.

Quality: ★★★ 3 out of 5
Enjoyment: ★★★★ 4 out of 5
Rereadable: Sometime in the future, for sure.
Purchase: E-book or hardcopy. Whichever you prefer. I like having a hardcopy myself.
Overall: ❤ Awesomesauce book

You Knew It Was Coming: Midnight Sun Review

Midnight Sun
by Stephenie Meyer

Genre: Young Adult, Romance, Fantasy
Pages:  261 pages

Summary: Midnight Sun is the much anticipated retelling of Twilight from Edward Cullen’s perspective. An unedited partial draft was illegally leaked onto the internet in 2008; consequently, author Stephenie Meyer put the project on indefinite hold.

Shortly afterward, she posted a letter to her fans on her website including a link to the entire partial draft of the book so that those who wanted to read it could do so legally and with her consent; see URL for more information.

BARON REVIEW: My status updates for this book are actually going to be a more extensive and comprehensive look at the problems of this novel than my review itself will be. So stay tuned for the status update highlights if you want some lawls. For the most part, my review will just be a condensed form of everything that I had to say about this book.

If you don’t know the whole story about this little pdf gem, I will take the time now to give you the condensed version. You cannot find this book in a book store (nor, if God be good, will you ever find it) as it hasn’t ever been officially published. S Meyer, the genius that she is, was passing around the unedited manuscript to some friends and it got leaked onto the internet. So butthurt that people would dare read her unedited book online without depositing hundreds of dollars into her bank account, S Meyer officially declared the book to be on a permanent hiatus. But she left the leaked version up for her fans to moan and whine about it never being completed.

So this is where I came in. It’s free, it’s online, I can download it- I will read it.

Let me start off by saying it is better written than Twilight. But yet, it’s also more horrifying in the casual way the book handles Edward’s obvious psychotic decent into madness. His stalking is revisited; not in a way that eases the minds of those who had problems with it before. No, in this perspective we get to watch as Edward carefully plans out these night visits even going so far as to oil the hinges (or is it grease the window frame, I forget) on the window so he can slip in more quietly. Now Twilight really is a stalker handbook.

We find out that Edward had planned to murder an entire classroom full of children just so that he could drink Bella’s blood without getting caught. And throughout this entire reveal, Edward doesn’t concern himself with the fact that he’d be killing an innocent girl, no. He’s more concerned with how he’ll look with red eyes and how his family would react to him. Not the loss of life, not how he’d be uprooting his family, no. It’s all about appearances. This to me, is more horrifying then anything we’ve read thus far.

Red eyes? Ew. Go away, butterface.

It’s pretty tough to beat the baby imprinting. But they might have with that revelation.

Do I like it? Of course not. It’s a Twilight book. I’ve read cereal boxes that are more captivating. But I will say this one was more interesting since we aren’t in the vapid head of Bella Swan. More interesting, and more terrifying but still not enough that I would buy the book if it were ever written.

It’s an obvious ploy that Smeyer tried, in order to relieve the glory of her one-hit wonder. And yes, I’m glad she did the world a favor by not finishing it. It’s a pointless retelling of the same book. Your brain doesn’t get much out of it, (not that it got much out of the first one). And if you are really pining for this book to be published just re-read Twilight. It’s the same thing.

Quality: ★ 1 out of 5
Enjoyment: ★ 1 out of 5
Rereadable: Never again.
Purchase: If you somehow paid for it, you got ripped off, my friend.
Overall: ☹ Bad book

BOOK STATUS HIGHLIGHTS:

• High school.
  Or was purgatory the right word?
  So we discover that Edward is going to high school in order to atone for his sins… Sounds legit. -pg.1
• Lauren Mallory was so jealous that her face, by all rights, should be dark jade in color.
  Lauren finally has a last name! Hurray! -pg.7
• …I bet everyone has asked her that. But I’d like to talk to her. I’ll think of a more original question… Ashley Dowling mused.
  …maybe she’ll be in my Spanish… June Richardson hoped.
  Who the hell are these people? -pg.7
• Where is Alice in this whole picture? Why can’t she not see this near mass homicide in Edward’s future? Why didn’t she warn Edward about Bella? -pg.11
• I knew that he would forgive me for this horrible act that I would do. Because he loved me.
  Nice to know he’ll [Carlisle] forgive you for murdering a classroom of innocent children. But you know who won’t forgive you? The victims’ families. You jackass. -pg.13
• I just love reading all the ways Edward was planning on killing and eating Bella for dinner. -pg.20
• Apparently Edward was laying in meadows long before Bella came along… He’s a pro at this. -pg.25
• Between me and the brilliant lights in the sky, a pair of bewildered chocolate-brown eyes stared back at me…
  Now all I can see is Bella’s floating face in the sky with this expression staring down at him. -pg.27
• Was it just last week that this long, drab room had seemed so killingly dull to me?
  Killingly dull? Really, SMeyer? Did you run out of adjectives? -pg.28
• Edward doesn’t like how Mike sounds possessive over Bella in his thoughts… This coming from the vampire who wanted to kill her and all her classmates only days ago. -pg.31
• “I don’t want to start over. We’re almost out of high school, Emmett. Finally.”
  Or you know… You could have never reenrolled high school in the first place! -pg.34
• I was out of air. If I were going to speak to her again, I would have to inhale.
  I thought you were a vampire that didn’t need to breathe air… -pg.37
• …rather than watch the blood swirl under her clear skin.
  Does Bella have see-through skin? Cause if so… ew. -pg.27
• She was advanced then, intelligent for a human. This did not surprise me.
  Oh trust me. She [Bella] might be able to do one biology lab but intelligent she aint, my friend. -pg.41
• She was selfless.
  Ha! Ha ha! Not even remotely! -pg.44
• And the funny thing is, if Edward COULD read Bella’s thoughts, he would have found her just as uninteresting as any other human. -pg.51
• Oh my god. Alice just deus ex machina-visioned the future meadow scene… was it really that important for a vision? -pg.55
• A word I’d never said before in the presence of a lady slid between my clenched teeth.
  As he never said what the word was, I am forced to assume it was “flubbernugget”. -pg.58
• She had a head injury. It would have been so easy to lie to her. Eventually, she would have believed the lie. -pg.62
• What I’m trying to say is that Edward is an idiot. -pg.62
• “Nobody will believe that, you know.”
  Just ruined your perfectly good defense with six little words. -pg.73
• Nice to see that Edward only saved Bella so that he wouldn’t have to resort to licking her blood off the tarmac. -pg.77
• “I’m going to love her someday, Jazz. I’ll be very put out with you if you don’t let her be.”
  Wait what? Love her? You mean like a friend, right? -pg.85
• Why didn’t anyone think to just turn Bella? I mean, why not? Someone, other than Edward, pop over there- bite her and then take her back with them. That way, sure she’s a vampire but then she’d go down with them if she revealed their secret. Seems reasonable to me. Solves the tastey smell problem. -pg.88
• I was doing everything correctly now. Every “i” dotted, every “t” crossed. No one could complain that I was shirking my responsibilities.
  What does that mean? He’s doing his homework? -pg.90
• The pain was more than anything I’d felt before. A human would have to be on the point of death to feel this pain—a human would not live through it.
  Does Edward ever stop whining? -pg.96
• She stared up into my eyes with the same bewildered expression that had haunted me for so long.
  So apparently Bella’s bewildered look turns Edward on? Does he want to bite that lip too? -pg.97

Her confusion is so attractive…

• I picked the correct answer out of his head while I glanced briefly in his direction.
  So Edward’s not smart at all. He cheated his way through school. -pg.98
• How was I any better than some sick peeping tom? I wasn’t any better. I was much, much worse.
  Go with the feeling, Edward. -pg.107
• Okay, I have a father and sister who sleep talk (and sleep walk). They are never this coherent or romantic. Usually my sister is telling me to milk the bread daisy and my Dad is warning me that all the nets are falling down. -pg.109
• She waited in silence, her teeth pressing into her soft lower lip.
  That sight distracted me for a second. Strange, unfamiliar reactions stirred deep in my forgotten human core.
  He does want to bite that lip. -pg.113
• I will say this, Edward is a better narrator than Bella. But he’s also more psychotic and creepy than Bella which is unsurprisingly a feat unto itself. -pg.116
• Edward is shocked that Bella is clumsy. Wow. Someone was not paying attention through the first hundred pages of this book. -pg.116
• Bella’s worst nemesis, an icy gravel road that she has to walk across… in heels! -pg.116
• She stared for a moment, and then her forehead crumpled and her eyes dropped to the floor.
  Ah! Bella’s face fell apart! -pg.117
• “I think your friends are angry at me for stealing you.”
  This did not appear to concern her. “They’ll survive.”
  Yup. More displays of Bella’s selflessness. -pg.119
• Yes, because you’re not listening to me,” I said, too intense again. “I’m still waiting for you to believe it. If you’re smart, you’ll avoid me.”
  How can Bella avoid you if you keep following her around? Ass hat. -pg.120
• I could feel the warmth of her blush in the air.
  THAT’S ALOT OF BLUSH. -pg.120
  
• “She’s irresponsible and slightly eccentric, and she’s a very unpredictable cook. She’s my best friend.” Her voice had turned melancholy; her forehead creased.
  Again, she sounded more like parent than child.
  What about that sounded parent-like? It sounded like a teenager [complaining about her mom] to me. -pg.132
• You know you didn’t have to pick pocket her, Edward. You could have just asked for the keys. She knew you were going to drive her truck home in the first place. I mean, she didn’t expect you to carry it back. -pg.140
• A bottle cap? Is Edward the type of boyfriend that collects everything? From ticket stubs to used tissues? Because… ew.  -pg.148
• Emmett fighting a bear… There are very few words that can describe this. Comical is one. Absurd is another. -pg.149
• …and their bodies fell to the ground tangled up together, taking a mature spruce tree down with them. The bear’s growls cut off with a gurgle. … His shirt was destroyed, torn and bloodied, sticky with sap and covered in fur. He had a huge grin on his face.
  “That was a strong one. I could almost feel it when he clawed me.”
  Wait. Did he fight the bear or make love to it? -pg.150
• I did not see much of Jasper’s guests for the two sunny days that they were in Forks.
  Oh good. Glad they were important enough to mention then. -pg.157
• Otherwise, my existence seemed more like that of a specter than a vampire.
  You only wish you could be as cool as ghost, Edward. -pg.157
• I accidentally uprooted the young spruce tree my hand was resting on when he pinched a strand of her hair between his fingers.
  Rofl. Aw, I feel bad for laughing. Poor tree. What did that tree ever do to you, Edward? -pg.158
• How come no one notices this happening? I mean he just pulled a tree from the ground. -pg.158
• I broke another tree trying to hold myself here.
  Edward. Destroyer of trees. -pg.158
• It must be selfishness that made him blind to others. And Bella was so unselfish, she saw everything.
  Yes. Perfect little dandy-fing-lion Bella Sue Swan is the most unselfish thing since kittens and cotton candy. Gag me. -pg.159
• But I couldn’t ignore the rainbow sparkles that reflected onto her skin when I got closer. Could I be any more of a freak? I imagined her terror if she opened her eyes now…
  Terrifying isn’t exactly the word I’d use to describe your sparkles, Edward. -pg.161
• But, being Bella, she would probably put her friends’ enjoyment above that of her own.
  Oh yes. Because every friend loves a gloomy and sullen tag-along on a beach trip. And if she didn’t come they would miss her so much that the whole trip would be ruined! -pg.164
• This love story she envisioned for me was careening toward a tragedy more perceptibly every moment.
  Oh dear god. He’s such a drama queen. Nothing has gone remotely wrong yet! Why are you so intent on being unhappy?! -pg.164
• “You’re pathetic. I can’t believe you missed the game last night just to watch somebody sleep, Emmett grumbled.
  How did Emmett know that? Did Edward tell him? If so, that’s creepy. “BTW Emmett… I can’t watch the game. I’ve got to watch a teeange girl sleep. It’s really important. Can’t miss a single second. She might sigh my name again.” Ah, well maybe Alice spilled the beans. -pg.165
• Esme: What do you see, Alice?
  Alice: It’s Edward. He’s going to Bella’s house. He’s going to stay there all night.
  Emmett: Wahoo! Edward finally got some!
  Alice: No… He’s just watching her.
  Emmett: Watching her?
  Alice: … Yes. While she sleeps.
  Carlisle: Well guys. I’m thinking it’s about time we get Edward some professional help. -pg.165
• The other non-veggie vampires think Edward is going crazy because he’s playing the piano too angry. What would they think if he missed a note? -pg.165
• I think one of the things that really annoys me about these books is how Edward’s thought reading works. Thoughts don’t work this way. There isn’t a scrolling LED display going around in our brains spewing out sentences for Edward to read. Most thoughts are in pictures, feelings and occasionally words. Writing his thought reading process like this is just lazy and uncreative. -pg.167
• Does she really think that? Or does she want me to look like a cow on Saturday?
  Seeing how Bella usually treats people, I’d be betting on the latter. -pg.167
• I searched close by for Angela—ah, but Angela was in the process of changing dresses, and I skipped quickly out of her head to give her some privacy.
  Yes, because I’m sure when she’s changing she’s thinking about all her lady parts. It’s weird when Edward decides to be modest. Don’t eavesdrop on people’s mind conversations when they are changing. But it’s A-OK to watch people sleep. -pg.167
  
  Sense made?
• I stared through Jessica’s eyes first, then switched to Angela’s.
  Woah wait. So apparently Edward can mentally possess people too? Since when was this a component of mind reading? -pg.168
• This didn’t look like the kind of place Bella would be interested in—too new age for a practical person.
  Well, that wasn’t offensive at all. -pg.169
• Honestly he’s not that “powerless” in sunlight. It’s just sparkles. He just doesn’t want people to notice him and discover that he’s secretly a fairy. So that was just a poor choice of words, Meyer. -pg.170
• She’s not brave for standing her ground against a group of gang rapist. She’s a dumb shit. Brave would be grabbing something to beat them with. And it’s not cowardly by running to get help when you’re in obvious danger. Clenching your fists and glaring does not a brave person make. -pg.172
• Edward’s logic for letting these men live is dumb. Just saying. -pg. 173
• “I’m going to run over Tyler Crowley tomorrow before school?” She said this like it was a question.
  Thank you, SMeyer. I couldn’t tell there was a question mark there. I really needed it spelled out for me. -pg.175
• If you have to explain your joke it loses all humor. So thank you for explaining your joke, Bella. It might have been funny before. Good job correcting yourself. -pg.175
• “If he’s paralyzed from the neck down, he can’t go to the prom either.”
  So apparently they are both violent psychopaths. -pg.176
• But, instead of finishing the inquiry and pressing the point, Bella just shook her head and half-smiled.
  What did that mean?
  Apparently that she’s pleased that your stalking her. I don’t know why… but she is. -pg.177
• These girls wouldn’t be in any danger if they went straight home. Danger didn’t stalk their every step.
  Helps that Bella has an actual dangerous stalker stalking her every step to protect her from danger stalking her every step… -pg.179
• Maybe I’ll write my number on his plate with ketchup…
  And their waitress is psychotic too. -pg.181
• I don’t think that will happen. I’ve always been very good at repressing unpleasant things,” she answered, a little breathless.
  Bullshit. I call shenanigans! -pg.183
• “That color blue looks lovely with your skin,” I complimented her. Just being honest.
  With your skin? Creepy much? Why not just say it looks lovely on you? Or it looks great with your eyes. Not your skin. Ew. -pg.184
• I’d just admitted to stalking her, and she was smiling.
  Yeah. I don’t get it either. Still want to claim she’s intelligent, Edward? -pg.189
• So let me get this straight. Edward wanted to murder Bella and drink her blood the instant he met her. But this guy Lonnie- wanted… possibly to rape and murder her. And Edward is the better person? Someone please explain this to me. -pg.192
• I love how Bella just accepts all these weird things Edward is confessing. Oh I follow people by their scent. I can read minds. And she doesn’t for once think he’s f-ing crazy. -pg.195
• I started to wonder if she was entirely stable.
  Only just started wondering that, did you Eddie? -pg.201
• Wait. You are concerned that you need to get her checked into an asylum for wanting to be near you, a vampire, but yet you plan on visiting her in said asylum regardless. Edward, I hate to break it to you, but you are a psychopath too. -pg.201
• …there was no denying that my body still yearned towards her for the wrong reason. My mouth was swimming with venom.
  NOT SEXY. Actually that’s a bit nauseating. -pg.202
• Ugh. Smeyer is trying to imply that Bella loves Edward for something besides just his good looks. Nice try. You can’t undo the last four books, honey. -pg.231
• So Edward wants to know everything Bella is thinking but is mad if she thinks things that he doesn’t want her to think… This is a whole new level of controlling that I think only an abusive mind reading boyfriend could achieve. -pg.236
• Edward makes Bella promise him the near impossible promise of not doing anything “dangerous” while he’s gone. But he can’t even keep to the promise of not spying on her? Double standards? -pg.261
• It was a good thing I had this road memorized.
  Okay. But usually there are other cars out on roads, Edward. It doesn’t matter if you’ve memorized that or not. You can’t predict someone backing out of their driveway, unless the guy’s thinking really hard about how he’s backing out of his driveway now. -pg.261

If Harry Potter and Twilight Had A Baby: Reckless Magic Review

Reckless Magic
by Rachel Higginson

Genre: Young Adult, Fantasy, Romance
Pages:  327 pages

Summary: 16 year old Eden Matthews has been in and out of private schools for the last two years. Kingsley is her last chance to finish high school and she is determined to simply do that. But when she meets Kiran Kendrick and her world opens to something she thought only existed in fairy tales, she’s unsure what her future will hold. Suddenly she is captivated by a boy who seems to be the source of all of her problems and struggling to rescue her best friend from a foreign prison. When attempts are made on Kiran’s life, Eden alone must save him. Thrust into a world that is more make-believe than reality, Eden has to find her own destiny without losing those she loves most. Reckless is an intricate story of mystery, adventure, magic and love. Eden Matthews is an unlikely heroine set on a path to save the world and her loved ones before its too late.

BARON REVIEW: So teenage girl goes to new school and meets a mean but painfully attractive boy  who’s dangerous and she is told to stay away from. Of course, she can’t because she’s fallen in love with him. But he has a secret that might keep them apart forever and…

Oh god damn! I read this book already!

All joking aside, I actually started reading this book with high hopes. While the prologue was pretty generic (twin babies being dropped on a door step) I thought that it could turn itself around. After all, Harry Potter managed to make that scenario interesting too, didn’t it?

And it certainly started strong. I really wanted to like the main character Eden. But I could tell that the author really wanted Eden to like the main male lead, Kiran. Even Eden wondered why she was being pushed into this snot of a boy’s arms. Kiran is even less appealing than Joffrey Baratheon and his only good feature is his accent. Seriously. Eden is constantly pointing out how arrogant, cruel, manipulative and conceited Kiran is. But he’s got a nice face, body and a sexy accent so it must be TRU LUV!

If you know Kiran’s secret identity, this gif works even better.

The whole romance plot is painfully trite. I’m not even sure why Eden likes Kiran. He forced her against a few walls and kiss-raped her… so now she’s in love. Great. Well so much for liking the protagonist of this book.

It wasn’t just the romance that bothered me, (although that did make up the vast majority of my gripes in my 134 status updates). I also wasn’t thrilled with the whole way the magic was handled. I know that the author was trying to build a sort of mystery around Eden’s powers- but what this novel was severely lacking was a good Dumbledore-esque figure. Amory should have been this character but he stays in the background. His (or the author’s) excuse for this lack of participation is that he was hoping Eden “would discover it for herself” despite later repeatedly scolding Eden for not catching on sooner since they are kinda on crunch time what with the whole magic terrorist war thing. About 90% of the drama and conflict that this novel has could have been solved in the characters would just communicate. If people like Amory and Avalon would tell Eden the reasons why she shouldn’t do certain things, Eden wouldn’t do half the stupid shit that she does.

Here’s a few examples of what could have been cleared up.

1. Tell Eden who Kiran is.
There was really no reason to keep Kiran’s true identity secret from her. In fact, it makes Eden stick out at the magic school even more because of the way she unintentionally treated him. If she was informed that he was magical royalty- I’m sure Eden would have been less inclined to be around him.

2. Tell Eden she has magical powers.
Again, they said it was super important that she know she has powers seeing how she was causing herself physical pain by being unaware. And drawing an unnatural amount of attention to herself by acting like a human in a magical school.

3. Tell Eden who her parents were and what they did.
Again- this is absolutely imperative for Eden’s survival. Her ignorance at this point is only making her a target. If Eden was more aware of the danger her own existence has put her in the less likely she is to do things that draw attention to herself. Which leads to my next point…

4. Tell Eden that she will be KILLED if people realize who she is.
She looks like her mother. Her mother had a forbidden fling with a body guard and gave birth to twins of most sinful kind in the magical word. Eden and Avalon’s very existence puts them in constant danger. Eden should have been made aware of this. By keeping her in the dark, it enabled Eden to do stupid things completely unaware of the consequences.

I got a little off tangent. But I think I made my point on that front. Back to the use of magic. While it was very interesting, the concept of untapped magical potential literally eating Eden from the inside out… I didn’t like it when magic actually came in halfway through the book. Magic made everything too easy. There were no consequences. Kids could use magic to do homework for them for heaven’s sake. They don’t have to even pay attention. They just will the correct answers into being on the paper. Why bother learning anything anymore? Why bother going to this magical academy? Seems like an awful waste of time.

In Harry Potter, magic didn’t just come to you. There was some risk and rewards involved. It had to be studied and practiced and performed just right. In this book, magic is just everything and makes everything infinitely easy. Magic never seems to backfire on anyone but Eden (and even on her its rare). In truth, this makes the magic of this world very boring.

It’s “it-doesn’t-f-ing-matter-because-magic-does-our-homework-for-us”.  Why do we go to school again?

I also didn’t enjoy the inequality going on. Avalon, Eden’s twin brother, gets told everything about his past, about their family, about magic and about the dangers they would face. Avalon also gets entrusted with a lot of the tasks their parents left behind. But Eden is told to be content with ignorance and idleness. Why? Probably because Avalon’s a boy. That’s the only logic I can find. Eden is far more powerful and even if she looks like her mother, Avalon MUST share some of those features too. Meaning he’s in just as much danger of being recognized.

Maybe this will get explained in the next book that I will never read. But I still don’t understand why Avalon gets to know everything.

Oh yes, and this resistance. Wow. For something that’s an secret society, they sure do go about the whole secret process poorly. I love how they invite Eden along to their meeting without even first making sure she had plans to join. They let her see their hideout, all their faces, know all their names and then listen to their secret plans to murder Prince Kiran. All of this before they double check to see if she wants to join. And even after they ask and find out she doesn’t want to because she LUVS Kiran too much, they let her stay and listen to the rest of the meeting.

…I can’t even begin to explain how utterly stupid this is.

But whatever. The book overall is very long winded. Much of what takes 100 pages to explain could have been done in ten… twenty pages tops. Characters have very bipolar reactions that seem to differ according to the author’s mood. Avalon, Amory and Kiran are notorious for this.

And then the climax of the story is Eden rushing cross country to save her friend who’s on trial for treason. She literally only runs into the room to scream “She’s innocent!” before being whisked away. I can’t help but feel that the whole conflict could have been solved with a simple phone call. Or at least, if Kiran was less of a dick, by his standing up for her. If that’s all it took to save her friend, Eden really should have just stayed at home. While I like it that Eden actually attempted to do something heroic to save her friend- the result was just so anti-climatic that I couldn’t give her full credit. The plot just sort of fizzles out after that. There’s some vague threat made to Eden’s life but yet they have no trouble escaping so the whole thing seems rather empty. Not the best conclusion to such a long novel.

All in all, the novel reads like a first draft. It’s a disorganized long winded mess that needs some serious revising and reworking plot and character wise. There’s the spine of a possibly good YA novel in here somewhere but I don’t think it’s quite there yet. I feel like this novel was self-published way too soon.

Quality: ★ ★   2 out of 5
Enjoyment: ★   1 out of 5
Rereadable: Nope. Uh uh.
Purchase: It’s free. If for some ungodly reason you want to read it, download the free e-book.
Overall: ☹ Bad book

BOOK STATUS HIGHLIGHTS:

• “…I want to talk to my father,” his voice had almost turned into a whine, but his accent was so sexy that I hardly notice.
  “I don’t care how sexy an accent you have. Nothing can make that sort of whine tolerable. This kid, Kiran, is now Joffery Baratheon in my eyes.” -4%
• “Well, you are just going to have to learn. I refuse to dumb down my curriculum because one student is ignorant.”
  “Teacher of the year right there.” -10%
• They sat basking in the sunlight, and again I noticed that all of them, without exception, were extremely beautiful.
  “Ah. But not vampires, I see.” -pg.11%
• “Ah yeah. Not even going to pretend I didn’t enjoy reading that. Kiran going sailing across the room… hope it hurt.” -13%
• Kiran leaned in closer to my neck, his lips nearly touching my ear. His silky and soft voice lost its edge; his lips brushed my hair. “What’s wrong with you?” He said back quickly.
  “Just a guess. But it might have something to do with you trying to seduce her every few seconds.” -18%
• “Wait… I thought Lily was taking Latin. How is she fluent in French? …Because the plot needed her to be?” -20%
• I threw an oversized navy-blue Kingsley sweatshirt on over my tank top; it hung down over my shorts, making me look like it was the only thing I had on.
  “The perfect outfit to answer the door in. No way this could end badly!” -20%
• Kiran let me struggle; I saw the familiar smirk returning to his lips.
  “CREEPER ALERT! START BEATING HIS HEAD IN WITH A TABLE LAMP, GIRL!” -20%
• I think next time we go rock climbing or something as equally terrible as camping.
  “There’s nothing wrong with rock climbing or camping. What is wrong with these kids? It’s like they are being told to hunt, skin and prepare their own food for a month.” -23%
• “Why does she have this illogical fear of camping out and getting killed by a serial killer. Isn’t it just as likely to happen in a school building?” -23%
• No possibility of real plumbing also occurred to me. Welcome to hell.
  “No. That’s not hell. Try being a girl scout where you are expected to clean said outhouses. Then you can talk to me about hell.” -25%
• The animals ripped into their skin, biting, clawing, tearing away pieces of flesh, but only minimal bloodshed proved evidence of a struggle.
  “If flesh is being ripped off, I don’t think blood loss is minimal.” -30%
• …imagined that he was playing a rhythm to god-knows-what kind of angry rock music that I was too innocent to listen to.
  “Since when are you in danger of losing your innocence to rock music? What decade was this set in- the eighties?” -46%
• “Simple black dress equals “midnight hooker”? And apparently hooker says mature. I think Eden still needs helping getting dressed. She obviously doesn’t understand how clothing works.” -46%
• “Six-inch hot pink stilettos? I take it back. Maybe she is going for the midnight hooker look.” -46%
• But I did know that Kiran was not evil and that he was not dangerous.
  HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? No Eden. Tell me! How do you know that he’s not dangerous or evil? He’s already seduced you twice, both times when you said no. Tell me how you know! TRUE LOVE IS NOT A VIABLE ANSWER.
  
• My stomach churned violently, but not from jealousy.
  “Then it sounds like you need to go to the clinic. Cause that’s not normal.” -50%
• I understood that he wasn’t asking much of me, but there was something about Kiran that I was unable to keep myself from.
  “The fact that he’s stalking you certainly complicates matters.” -50%
• I began to accept the fact that he was my brother… I decided it was something I always knew deep within.
  “Thanks for sharing it with the rest of the class.” -61%
• They would kill you without hesitation,” I gulped loudly, afraid to ask his reasons.
  “ASK HIM, EDEN. IT’S STUPID NOT TO. YOU SHOULD ASK WHY YOU, OF ALL PEOPLE, WOULD DIE IF EXPOSED. THAT IS AN IMPORTANT THING TO KNOW. STOP JUST ACCEPTING PEOPLE’S SILENCE! ASK QUESTIONS YOU STUPID STUPID GIRL.” -65%
• I had a very uneasy feeling about the true meaning of his words.
  “ASK HIM! ASK HIM THE TRUE MEANING! ASK HIM ASK HIM ASK HIM!!! STOP BEING A USELESS PROTAGONIST!!” -66%
• “Why can’t I drive?” I whined…
  “First of all you don’t use magic enough for me to trust you,” Avalon explained as if I were the unsafe driver, meanwhile I was pretty sure he just ran the last three cars we passed, off the road. “Second, …
  “…You’re a woman.
  Aw, come on Avalon. Just own up to it. We know you’re thinking it.” -66%
• “I’m not saying that I’m joining. But I will listen to the rest of your meeting.”
  “Because that’s how resistances work. You can sit through a secret meeting and then decide whether or not to join their cause. After seeing all their faces and knowing all their names… perfectly okay for you to take some time to think about it.” -68%
• Amory looked at Avalon with a type of longing I couldn’t define.
  “Am I sensing a Dumbledore Harry romance blooming? Magic Principal’s got some serious forbidden love going on with little Avalon here. Bow chika wow wow. Don’t worry, Eden. I’ll explain it to you when you get older.” -68%
• They pushed each other playfully until Titus stepped in, grabbed both their heads and slammed them together.
  “Don’t worry. They’re just playing.” -70%
• I have every say in the matter. As your prince I demand that you remain in your house the entire time I am gone. In fact, I am placing you on house arrest until I return.”
  “Yeah… Dood, why doesn’t every chick in the world want this guy. So hot. [/sarcasm]” -74%
• “Do not question me,” he seethed… “Do exactly what I say or I will have you thrown into prison. Do you understand?” when I didn’t respond, his voice turned even colder. “Do you understand?”
  “Again. Prince Charming, everyone.” -74%
• …and his blue eyes pierced my soul. -75%
  
• The silence was so beautiful that I was afraid to break it with even the slightest sound.
  “What she means is that she was trying not to fart. Trying really hard.” -75%
• “What? Are you telling me that Amory didn’t warn you?”
  “Is that really that surprising? No one tells Eden anything.” -75%
• I did my best to focus on the test in front of me and refrain from magic. It would be easy to magically remember the answers, but that somehow seemed like cheating.
  “Is there NOTHING sacred in this magical world? Why bother sending any of these kids to school? What’s the point?” -77%
• “Lilly Mason is innocent!” I yelled at the top of my lungs.
  “She’s just about to find out she walked into the wrong room.” -83%
• His voice broke again and I saw that his eyes were full of tears.
  “Kiran can cry?!! He stole those tears from babies didn’t he? They aren’t even his, are they?” -84%
• “Do you believe in God?” I asked, confused.
  “Of course. Don’t you?”
  “Are you freakin’ kidding me? Why is this even IN here?” -95%

Good News & Bad News: The Last Guardian Review

The Last Guardian
by Eoin Colfer

Genre: Young Adult, Adventure, Sci Fi/Fantasy
Pages:  328 pages

Summary: Seemingly nothing in this world daunts the young criminal mastermind Artemis Fowl. In the fairy world, however, there is a small thing that has gotten under his skin on more than one occasion: Opal Koboi. In “The Last Guardian,” the evil pixie is wreaking havoc yet again. This time his arch rival has reanimated dead fairy warriors who were buried in the grounds of Fowl Manor. Their spirits have possessed Artemis’s little brothers, making his siblings even more annoying than usual. The warriors don’t seem to realize that the battle they were fighting when they died is long over. Artemis has until sunrise to get the spirits to vacate his brothers and go back into the earth where they belong. Can he count on a certain LEPrecon fairy to join him in what could well be his last stand?

BARON REVIEW: I know I haven’t finished reviewing the other books in this series yet but when this book came out I just couldn’t resist reading it.

LastArtemisFowlBookwithOpalshowdownOmgYay!Mustreadfasterthanlight!

Obviously this sort of book wouldn’t be for everyone. But as an Artemis Fowl fan, it was everything I was looking for. It was an intense ride and I finished the book in a 24 hour period simply because I was too hooked to put it down.

I had some misgivings based on the synopsis. It seemed like an odd choice for a Artemis Fowl book. You’re not usually dealing with the end of the world sort of thing in Artemis Fowl. Maybe fairy exposure. Or end of Artemis’ family. But the apocalypse? That was a little heavy handed for a children’s series. Eh, I guess it would be more Young Adult now but I digress.

I felt like the beginning was a little too quick. People were being shot and assassinated. Explosions were going off. Both the fairy world and the human world as we know it went into a virtual dark age with planes falling from the skies and people getting killed by the thousands (by the hundreds in the case of the smaller fairy population). I kept having to take a step back at chapter breaks to breathe. My sister can attest that an incredulous “Damn… Well, damn!” came out of my mouth more often than naught while reading. It was like I was reading one of Martin’s books. And this was Artemis Fowl! That’s kind of crazy.

Now before I go off on some Artemis Fowl Fangirl speel…

Let me ground myself in some of the issues I had with this book. Because despite the awesomesauce rating, I can’t say that the book was perfect. I fully admit that that rating is colored by my total adoration of the ending. Up until that point, when Artemis decides to take the selfless hero route, I was debating over whether to give the book a rating of good or meh.

This book does feel a little detached from the rest of the series, just like the last book had. And I felt like, sometimes, the characters weren’t acting true to themselves. I mean, most of the time they were the characters I loved. But other times, they were cartoony farces. They made bad jokes and acted strange in moments of crisis. Eoin Colfer would even step in as narrator at these points saying things like- well, why are they acting this way? Iunno, they are strange like that.

Case in point,

“Holly laughed, a single harsh bark. She could not believe everyone continued to act like their everyday selves even though a life was at stake.” -p. 28

“Nobody’s death is impending.”
…”Well technically everyone’s death is impending.”
“Shut up, Artemis!” snapped Butler, which was a major breach of his own professional ethics. -p.47

There were more moments like this. Where the characters would momentarily slip out of their characters and Eoin Colfer would write a kind of excuse for them. It wasn’t often but it was enough that it bothered me. It felt as if Colfer didn’t really know how his characters should be acting at this moment and he was rushing to finish writing… which is understandable when it comes to publishing deadlines. But it does disappoint a little.

 Eoin: Hm. Well that’s oddly out of character. Eh, whatever.

I was also bothered by a scene in which Artemis is flying the plane but Holly takes over, complaining that Artemis is such a horrible pilot. I was pretty sure it was said in the Time Paradox that Artemis was a pretty confidant pilot. Maybe not as talented as Holly but surely not a poor one. Eh, maybe Artemis was just nervous and wasn’t flying the plane very well because of it… but I still can’t help but feel that Eoin Colfer just forgot.

I wasn’t too thrilled that Opal got “super sayian” powers. The thing that made Opal such a brilliant villain in Opal’s Deception, wasn’t her super powers. It was her intellect and sheer ruthlessness. When I heard the final Artemis Fowl book was to be a showdown between Opal and Artemis… this wasn’t what I was expecting. And Opal kind of fell from grace in my eyes. She seemed incredibly dumb and gullible in comparison to her own badassry in the aforementioned book.

The whole plot too was a little to deus ex machina for me. The Manor just happens to be built near these century old gates. It just so happens that killing your past self will cause a nuclear explosion. It just so happens that Foaly had mini bugs built into a skylight that allows safe passage for our heros. It just so happens that Holly can shoot people with protection runes (because people are in threat of spiritual possession everyday). It just so happens that Artemis has a homemade laser in his barn. It just so happens that Artemis could make a clone of himself… I feel like there wasn’t enough build up for some these scenarios. So they feel jarring. These made me want to take a few stars away from the book. But the ending was just so f-ing cool that I couldn’t deny the full rating.

I also felt that there were a few moments that were just too rushed. That I didn’t completely understand what was going on. When they crash the pod, Artemis and Butler are badly injured, but we only get a description of Holly’s injuries. At another point, Artemis has to carry an unconscious Holly through Mulch’s cave. But Butler was out too… did he just leave his body at the mouth of the tunnel? But then we see that wasn’t the case as Butler’s body magicked itself nearby. It seemed no one needed to carry him after all. Or well… Artemis was carrying Holly around, walking in circles, for the hell of it.

I should stop asking so many logical questions or I’ll start disliking the book.

There were times where the action was going so fast… and I wasn’t sure if it was just because I was reading it so quickly, but things would just not make sense in my head. The action would seem jumbled. I wouldn’t know where characters were standing. And then there’s things that didn’t get addressed… like Beckett not wearing pants or underwear the whole adventure. Did he ever put pants back on? Cause if not, it’d be hard to take him seriously…

And were Juliet or Beckett hurt by the spell that eventually took Artemis? Would they have noticed? Why didn’t they wake up? Shouldn’t they have? Did they die too? Obviously not or Eoin Colfer would have mentioned it… I hope.

There were beautiful moments of character. Artemis and Holly visiting Nopal for one. And of course, Artemis sacrificing himself; saying goodbye through a wall of green glass. I loved these moments. But again, I’m dissatisfied that there weren’t more. There were opportunities but they were glossed over in favor of action. If we got a little less crazy cricket hoards and a little more of Artemis inventing this no win scenario plan of his, I would have been much happier.

I wanted to see Artemis’ funeral. Not just hear about it. I wanted more of Butler’s panic… maybe more of Holly trying to figure out Artemis’ final words. I wanted to see them cradling Artemis’ empty body… see Juliet and Beckett wake up- not understanding the sacrifice he had made. I wanted more tears. I wanted more anger. I just wanted a little more, because I love more.

One of my favorite scenes from the Game of Thrones book I just read was Arya watching her father die.  It was a highly emotionally charged scene, as she tried to save her father and yet couldn’t.

I wanted this. I wanted to see (if at all possible for her to do so) Holly trying to climb the battlements. I wanted to see Butler hesitate, only half heartedly able to hold Holly back. Come on, Eoin Colfer! I loved adored your book. But it felt like only the spine. I wanted more to flesh it out. Give me Holly and Artemis on top of that pyramid again. Where Holly tells Arty to close his eyes… he won’t feel a thing.

Why couldn’t that be Holly’s last words to him. That would have made me cry.

Boy, would that have made me cry.

For those who know my written work, they know I love to write scenes that make people cry. It’s my favorite things to write. Emotionally charged scene are somewhat of my specialty. I practiced them since my very first stories back in spiral notebooks (most of those were hilariously awful though). I actually had written up conclusions I thought would have been good endings for the Artemis Fowl saga.

All of these endings concluded with Artemis Fowl’s death.

How funny that Eoin Colfer and I seemed to be on the same wave link.

One of them even had to deal with a blue rinsing that I imagined not too different a scenario than what actually happened in this book’s conclusion. Artemis saving Holly instead of himself. Having no plan, but dying with a smile. I even planned out the whole- him standing after the initial wave… looking untouched, until he fell bodily into someone’s waiting arms. I mean, I wrote that down somewhere… in a fanfic that never saw the light of day. (Simply because that was it. Just the ending. I had no story. Did I mention I like to write tragedies?)

What I meant to point out with this little tangent was that Artemis Fowl really couldn’t conclude without Artemis’ death. And I’m glad Eoin Colfer did it. He took the hammer to his main character. And it needed to happen. Artemis Fowl has been always about a criminal who’s character arc has been leading him into being a hero. What’s more selfless than taking one for the team? Artemis rarely ever took one for the team. This time he did. And it was fantastic.

I’m not so sure I like that he was brought back to life through a clone though… I mean, it worked. I wasn’t disappointed that Artemis was revived. My problem with this was… I felt like we needed an epilogue of some sort. I’m not even sure that the person they brought back was Artemis at all. He didn’t seem to really know who any of them were. He needed to say… something Artemis-like. Other than that coined catch phrase… that I never really liked in the first place (It was cute when he said it to his past self. I wasn’t too thrilled with it being his first words after being brought back to life).

All in all, the book was action packed, intense and a hell of a ride. It lacked heart in a few places. But it’s sure to please long standing fans of the series. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. And I’m sure I’ll reread it again soon.

Quality: ★ ★ ★  3 out of 5
Enjoyment: ★ ★ ★ ★ ★  5 out of 5
Rereadable: For the ending, I’d reread the whole series. 🙂
Purchase: I got the hard back. No regrets.
Overall: ❤ Awesomesauce book

BOOK STATUS HIGHLIGHTS:

• “I thought for a second that the runes they got from the last book might come into play here. I would have liked that idea- them technically still being possessed, or “claimed” as it were, by a dead man. I’m rather disappointed that it all came down to Holly shooting them with deus ex machina runes.” -pg.118
• “…I just pulled a pretty big job and needed to hide out for awhile.”
  “…Where’s all the loot?”
  “That, as my cousin Nord would say, is where my improvised lie falls apart.”
  Artemis put two and two together and arrived at a very unpleasant four.
  “You were here to rob me!”
  “No, I wasn’t. How dare you?!”
  “Not going to lie. I loved that line.” -pg.129
• Artemis looked at Holly and felt a tremendous affection for her… he could properly appreciate how fierce and beautiful his best friend was…
  She is truly magical, thought Artemis. Perhaps her qualities are more obvious to me now that I have decided to sacrifice myself.
  “You have always been so kind to me, and I won’t be seeing you again since I’m killing myself once we reach the honeymoon suite.” -pg.274
• “Holy shit!” -pg.314

Punching Out Highlights: The Serpent’s Shadow Review

The Serpent’s Shadow
by Rick Riordan

Genre: Young Adult, Adventure, Romance, Egyptian Mythos
Pages:  406 pages

Summary: He’s b-a-a-ack! Despite their best efforts, Carter and Sadie Kane can’t seem to keep Apophis, the chaos snake, down. Now Apophis is threatening to plunge the world into eternal darkness, and the Kanes are faced with the impossible task of having to destroy him once and for all. Unfortunately, the magicians of the House of Life are on the brink of civil war, the gods are divided, and the young initiates of Brooklyn House stand almost alone against the forces of chaos. The Kanes’ only hope is an ancient spell that might turn the serpent’s own shadow into a weapon, but the magic has been lost for a millennia. To find the answer they need, the Kanes must rely on the murderous ghost of a powerful magician who might be able to lead them to the serpent’s shadow . . . or might lead them to their deaths in the depths of the underworld. Nothing less than the mortal world is at stake when the Kane family fulfills its destiny in this thrilling conclusion to the Kane Chronicles.

BARON REVIEW: If you take how much I love the Percy Jackson saga, jam it all into a blender and smother it with “indifferent” whip cream, you might be getting close to how I feel about this series of books. I really rather wish that Riordan just stuck with the Greek mythology. And now hearing how he’s planning to write a series on the Norse gods, I don’t know whether to be wildly excited or horribly afraid.

Or maybe just indifferent.

It’s actually hard to articulate what I didn’t like about this book. I think it’s just the series in general. I never much enjoyed one of the main characters (as clearly evident in my status updates). Sadie Kane just always struck me as a selfish and arrogant young woman. I didn’t like her attitude nor how she would get away with her bad behavior. I’m not saying that Riordan isn’t allowed to write unlikable protagonists. Authors write about nasty people all the time but then somehow get their readers to care about them. It just didn’t work in this case for me. I just couldn’t overlook Sadie’s faults.

What is it with Riordan thinking that all independent young women like Thalia and Sadie have to be into punk fashions and act like a total bitch all the time? Can’t more of his female characters be like Annabeth? And what’s with all goth (emo, punk… whatever) girls always acting like they have a stick up their butt? It would have been more interesting to see a girl who was into such fashions but wasn’t such a hardass. It’s all a fake image anyway. Highlights do not a stronger woman make.

If only I could’ve punched the highlights out of Sadie’s hair.

I would have adored Carter Kane if he had a bit more personality. He always seemed so bland in comparison to his often outrageous sister. I liked him in the first book but he seemed to get blander as the books went on. I felt like Sadie just overpowered him in the end, despite still being a main character.

This book seemed to focus an awful lot on the romances these characters had that I really just didn’t care about in the first two books. I cared more about fake Zia than real Zia. And while Walt and Anubis were cool characters, the fact that they were both in love with Sadie just annoyed me.

The love dramas just got stale. And I felt like the characters had a serious need to straighten their priorities. With the world about to end, going to a pointless high school dance would be just that… pointless. I guess I can see how they just want to be normal but because this is the only scene that we actually see the characters attempting to be normal- the effect is jarring. It just seems asinine. Responsibility dictates that you find a way to save the world first and worry about pointless school dances afterward. I know there might not be an afterward but, come on. School dance? Is that really something you need to go to before you die?

At least Carter intended to use the time they had to get to work on saving the world. But then Sadie stopped him to take him to the dance…

I just really dislike Sadie.

One of my biggest beefs with these collections of stories is that tension is immediately lost from the first chapter when you realize the whole story is being transcribed through a recording that Carter and Sadie apparently sent to Riordan. Meaning that both of them survived. Which in turn implies that the world didn’t end. Well… so much for being on the edge of my seat.

It’s like knowing how it’s going to end from the first page. I really hate it when books do things like this. At least the How to Train your Dragon series has the question of what happened to the dragons left hanging, even if we know Hiccup survived all the events.

All in all, it’s not a bad book. Just kind of a meh one. Too much silly teenage romance drama. And not enough of the high adventure the Percy Jackson series dishes out. I really just felt that I would have liked this series more if it were written in third person via Carter’s POV. (Or even Sadie so long as we weren’t inside her annoying head).

Quality: ★ ★ ★  3 out of 5
Enjoyment: ★ ★  2 out of 5
Rereadable: Unlikely. Sadie is just that annoying.
Purchase: If you must, get it via the Library
Overall: ☻ Meh book

I’m going to end this review with something that’s a little new. Because I read this book while I had a goodreads account I did make some status updates along with my readings. These are usually just thoughts I had while I was reading. Sometimes they are pretty funny so I’ll include some of them here for you guys to read. Not every book will have these but the ones that do, I’ll put up here. So without further ado…

BOOK STATUS HIGHLIGHTS:

• “Aw. Come on, Carter. Don’t be such a wet blanket. Let the pigeon rule the world.” -pg.68
• Honestly, he drones on and on about his plans for the Apocalypse, but he makes no plans at all for the school dance. My brother’s priorities are severely skewed.
  “It’s comments like this that make me hate you so, Sadie.” -pg.77
• “Is it bad that I like flowerpot Sadie better than actual Sadie?” -pg.144
• I’m not sure what came over me, but I felt like I had just been Photoshopped out of my own book cover. If there was one thing I wasn’t used to, it was being ignored.
  “And there we go. Good feeling gone. Sadie, one of your potential boyfriends is dying. Perhaps you can show a bit of compassion and stop being such a selfish biotch for a few seconds.” -pg.266

 

If The Harry Potter Saga Were A Comic Book: The Accidental Hero Review

The Accidental Hero
by Matt Myklusch

Genre: Children, Sci Fi/Fantasy, Adventure
Pages:  496 pages

Summary: All Jack Blank knows is his bleak, dreary life at St. Barnaby’s Home for the Hopeless, Abandoned, Forgotten, and Lost—an orphanage in the swampland of New Jersey. Covertly reading old comic books is Jack’s only solace. But his life changes forever when he meets an emissary from a secret country called the Imagine Nation, an astonishing place where all the fantastic and unbelievable things in the world originate. Including Jack.

Jack soon discovers that he has an amazing ability—one that could make him the savior of Imagine Nation and the world beyond…or the biggest threat they’ve ever faced.

BARON REVIEW: I’ll be honest. This is one of those books where (again) the cover of this book drew me in.

I’m very shallow when it comes to books I pick up.

It didn’t help that its title is my favorite motif- the reluctant hero. For that alone, I bought the book without really bothering to read the summary. I figured that at the very least I’d get some enjoyment out of the little kid not really wanting to pick up the mantel of his new hero role and yet in the end becoming some sort of badass.

Usually those sort of books work for me.

Usually…

And The Accidental Hero is a little predictable but not bad for a children’s book. I have to reign myself back sometimes, you know? Kids have different tastes. I can respect the old Sideways Stories from Wayside School as the comedic and entertainingly ridiculous series of children’s books it was. It’s one of the reasons I can admire work like How to Train Your Dragon. As a children’s book it does its job quite well. Would I recommend it to the same group of friends that read Game of Thrones? Hell no.

Run Toothless! Get out of Westros while you still can! Winter is f-ing coming!

So anyway, back to this book. Jack (our protagonist)’s a run of the mill orphan abandoned on the doorstep who finds out he’s really a super hero. And the super heroes in this universe seem to work a little like how being a wizard works in Harry Potter. You find out you’re a super, and you go to a special super hero school. You know, that sort of thing. Despite the predictability, I found myself enjoying parts. It’s a little unconventional in its premise; an adventure story coming out of the world of comic book superheroes. I found it intriguing.

If I had a kid, I don’t think I’d have any qualms about letting them read this one. I’ll probably read book two if it ever comes out. But I think I’d recommend staying away from buying it in hard copy. This is a good ebook read.

Maybe I should make that a new quality check at the bottom….

Quality: ★ ★ ★  3 out of 5
Enjoyment: ★ ★ ★ ★ 4 out of 5
Rereadable: Possibly. If I get around to reading the second book I probably will.
Purchase: In ebook (if cheaper)
Overall: ☺ Good book

Why Did I Read This?: Silent Hero Review

Silent Hero
by Christine E. Schulze

Genre: Fantasy, Young Adult, Fanfiction
Pages:  130 pages

Summary: The Triforce, that golden entity set in place by the three goddesses to protect all Hyrule, has been broken-into nine shards instead of three this time. Darkness creeps along the fringes of not only Hyrule, but also of Termina and Twilight. These three realms, intimately linked, can only be rescued by…
A young boy who cannot speak but whose courage will emanate louder than any evil he faces.
A princess as timeless as the shadowy realm from which she returns.
These two Heroes against three great enemies: Ganondorf, Majora, and the young, ambitious Zaruman, who connects both guardians and enemies of the three realms in ways which the heir of Link could never imagine…
In a race against time and in a mission which breaks the boundaries of time, Hero and Princess must combine courage and wisdom to collect the notes of a powerful requiem and use their knowledge of the ancient legends to press forward and resurrect a mighty weapon from Hyrule’s past. Aided by a strange voice, Great Fairies, and their own intuition, will they succeed like the Hero who came before them?
Can darkness and light converge without creating shadow?

BARON REVIEW: If Stephanie Meyer wrote a Zelda fanfiction, I imagine it would read like this. I’m sorry. That would probably be a slight against Meyer. Despite how much I dislike her vampire novels, even she probably doesn’t deserve to be tied to this mess.

But then again, they didn’t deserve it either.

This novel (if it could even be called such) lacks conflict, good characters and heart. Even the love story, which seems to be the main premise, is flat and dull. I have to wonder if the author was as bored writing this as I was reading it. The villains aren’t even introduced until the last few chapters. I was starting to wonder if they’d ever make an appearance. Even in the games, for those of you who haven’t played (which seems to make up the majority of the positive review commentary), Gannon showed up to mess with Link every now and then. You’d think the villains would make some sort of effort to stop them. Most of the time, Midna and Link were just handed the objects they were questing for. No trial. No effort. Made for a very dull read.

The villains were really off their A-game. You had to wonder if they were just slacking off, eating popcorn, and waiting for the hero to arrive. Maybe they were playing a little Ocarina of Time themselves. They certainly weren’t in this novel.

I told myself that I wouldn’t bother going into detail about how illogically Link’s muteness is handled. But it infuriated me so much, I just can’t help it. Humans are social creatures. Without some form of sign language or writing system, Link would be an extremely frustrated and angry young man. The Kokiri are jerks for not bothering to teach Link how to communicate beyond ’emotional eye gestures’ which I swear don’t exist outside of romance novels.

This gif sums up the book better than I ever could.

It’s a fanfiction. There’s hundreds more like this story on a site called Fanfiction.net. And I dare say there are many much better than this one. If you paid for this book, then you were ripped off (though I think its currently going for free as an ebook).

In conclusion, this book stinks. Even if you are a Zelda fan, don’t bother reading it.

Or, at the end of the book, this will be you.

Quality: ★  1 out of 5
Enjoyment: ★  1 out of 5
Rereadable: You can’t make me.
Overall: ☹ Bad book